My whole life (now in retrospect) I feel as if I had been prepared for the days in which I would find truth and light. I had very remarkable, and powerful spiritual experiences, including visions and dreams, and perhaps even some visitations. My patriarchal blessing even states that I "will develop a personal relationship with the Savior, Jesus Christ." I had never thought about that tidbit too much, but I would intensely ponder and accept that promise later on. Nevertheless, I was sheltered to believe that such things were so sacred as to never be discussed in public to anyone, including my own parents. Or even that such experiences happened to no one else, so they were probably figments of my imagination, especially for a young kid at that age. Thus, I kept such experiences to myself, and never told anyone. I dreamed of the days when those things would happen again.
Those days are upon me now. I served my mission in Salt Lake City from May 2012-May 2014; An "honorable, full-time" mission. I saw some things among the leaders of the church and what we had been teaching that contradicted what the Lord had taught in the scriptures. I served for a very short time as a district leader, and quickly "shot up the ranks" to zone leader and eventually "assistant to the President" to end my mission. From the eyes of normal members and missionaries, and even from my own, I was successful and obedient. These attributes and accolades could only fuel the fire of my pride. Pride could only halt me from learning what God wanted me to learn. And it had shrouded me in figurative darkness for most the days of my life, when I thought I had been in the light all along.
I have always thought to believe differently than others. Many would call me an "outside of the box thinker." So, when I began to make several discoveries of what the church has been up to the since the death of Joseph Smith and what the gospel truly entailed, boy, did I begin to think.
On my mission, I had begun this thought process. I hadn't heard anything concerning Denver Snuffer, or the "purge", or Zion (in its true definition), or too much about calling and election for that matter. However, what I thought was, "Okay, I have received my endowments, and I will get sealed eventually in the temple...and then what? Do I just go to church every week until the day I die, and read my scriptures faithfully and 'pray and not faint?'" Similar thoughts chased me until the end of my mission, until finally when I came home and laid eyes upon my father. Something about him was different, yet I could not distinguish what that was (perhaps because I had not yet been filled with light). Throughout my entire mission, my dad and I shared insights and discussed gospel principles, and questions we may have had. I wish I would have understood what he was saying, but honestly, most of the time it was me perusing through his "Zion obsessed" lectures. It wasn't until about 3 months after I was home from my mission, that I would begin to understand "the mysteries of God."
It began by self-reflection. It took time alone. Then, the questions came. I began planting several seeds as Alma suggests we do with each and individual piece of supposed truth that we hear, to plant it in our hearts and nourish the seed and wait for it to grow. I must have appeared to be glued to books and my computer and the scriptures as I fed and feasted on the words of Christ, and the Prophet Joseph Smith. Questions that I had had before quickly began to make connections to answers in the scriptures and through personal revelation. For the first time in my life, I was hungry for knowledge, and I was fed morsels, just enough to keep me going and continue to nourish the tree I had planted.
I felt as Enos, whose father had taught him concerning eternal life and the joy of the saints, and those words sunk deep into my heart. I felt as Nephi who desired to see and understand what his father, Lehi had understood and seen, Witness after witness bore record to me that the things that I was learning were true, and that I would only receive more and more light and it would grow brighter and brighter until the perfect day. I sifted through materials that I had once believed, or even "knew" to be true. What I realized was that I had never planted those seeds in my own heart to find out the truth
However, after I had done this, scriptures came to new light, I understood more than I had ever understood about the gospel through my own personal study of the God's word and I was not dependent on any other man or being in this world, rather I sought the further light and knowledge promised by Heavenly Father and His messengers. The gospel finally was delicious to me. Scripture study was longer than the "feasting" 15 minutes, or the dutiful hour spent by a missionary preparing lessons for investigators. In fact, it was almost as if I had become the investigator as I sought for truth and light. The missionaries who taught me might as well have been Alma, Nephi, Jacob, and Moroni, teaching with true authority from God in heavenly form.
As I studied these things, a mighty change of heart was wrought upon me by the Holy Ghost. I had always desired to feel something similar to what the people of King Benjamin described in Mosiah 5. And, so I did. I no longer have a disposition to do evil. I have come to find out what "being in the world and not of the world" means.
Music has been such a tremendous part of my life, yet, I rid myself of the "chords" that would have eventually dragged me down; chords of hardcore melodies, and gross, lyrical and seducing serenades that only fed my natural man's ears. Instead, I filled my ears with the sweet and pleasing word of God.
Facebook, Instagram and all other social media, in which I would mindlessly scroll through, became disgusting to me. The videos, the posts, the meaningless statuses and pictures suddenly meant nothing to me. I started to gain an eternal perspective on life which helped me to discern and distinguish what really was important. I thought I had figured out what I wanted to do with my life in terms of career and status in the world. Those things became unimportant to me. While I still may be searching for that purpose, I know it can't be anything that has to do with building Babylon among us.
Many challenges still lie ahead of me. Before I began an intensive study of these things, I would catch myself thinking deeply in the temple about what it means to sacrifice; to lay everything on the altar. That is what is necessary. It may be everything you have achieved in this life thus far. It may be those you call your friends, and those who are your family, the ones you love. It is giving up "all your sins to know (God)". I'm not saying I'm perfect now that I know these things, or even that I know more than anyone else. However, I have learned how important it is to give everything to God, and not to man. Until this time in my life, I was headed in the wrong direction, and turned the other way. Now, I have begun my honest and true journey to my Savior, Jesus Christ. He turned my life upside down, and turned it around towards Him.
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